From the Beginning
At the beginning of 2021, Rob and I had a talk about whether we were done having kids. For some reason, I was feeling like we just weren’t done, but he was certain we were. We decided not do to anything permanent until we were both ready to make a decision. Well, at the end of March, I found out I was pregnant. I remember being afraid to tell Rob. I was nervous he would think I did this on purpose just to get my way, but my husband is not like that. Later that evening I told him. He was as shocked as I was and then said, “Well, we’ve done it before, we can do this again”. And that was all it took. We were starting this journey again.
We immediately told our close friends, and on Easter we shared the news with family. My pastor and his wife announced to the church we were pregnant on Mother’s Day and that evening we FINALLY told our boys. A few weeks later we found out we were having a girl. I was shocked. After having 2 boys, I just assumed the third would be as well. I didn’t know girls, but I was ready to learn. Rob said he knew it would be a girl. He wanted a girl. I wanted him to have a daughter. I think I was most excited for this little girl to have the best daddy in the world.
The pregnancy continued perfectly normal. I was miserable, but she was healthy. I craved Snapple peach tea. I needed it CONSTANTLY. People started joking with us that we should name her Georgia, like a little Georgia Peach. Rob loved it right away, but having a son named Dallas, I couldn’t do Georgia. On August 2nd, Rob was playing “Georgia On My Mind”, but the Willie Nelson version of course, and as soon as he started playing it, He felt her kick for the first time. It was decided. Daddy and Georgia were calling the shots.
Time moved forward, we celebrated birthdays, our 9-year wedding anniversary, I had a baby shower thrown by 2 of my best friends, and celebrated Thanksgiving with our families while Georgia was in my belly. But things changed on November 30th.
I was working from home that day and was really busy, so I didn’t notice until that evening that Georgia wasn’t moving. I tried moving in different positions. I drank a cold glass of water. Ate some Oreos to see if that would get her moving. No luck. I started to panic. I called the after-hours number for my midwife. She told me to come into the hospital and they would monitor me to make sure everything was ok.
We waited for a friend of ours to come over to be with the boys and then we left. It was the longest car ride of my life. I feel like I already knew she was gone but prayed the whole way there I was wrong. We arrived at the hospital and a nurse took us into Triage. She had the fetal doppler ready. I could hear there was another mom being monitored. I heard her baby’s heartbeat, loud and clear.
As I laid on that bed, waiting for the nurse to pick up my baby’s heartbeat, the sliver of hope I had left was starting to fade. It felt like I laid there for hours while she searched for a heartbeat. I remembered earlier on in my pregnancy that nurses often had a hard time finding her heartbeat with a doppler because she was always moving around so much. I thought… “just maybe she’s tricking us again”. Then she wheeled in the ultrasound machine. I saw a quick flash on the screen of Georgia’s heart.
It was still.
The nurse said she was having trouble with the machine and needed to get the Doctor.
In my head, I knew what that meant. She was gone, but the nurse needed the doctor to confirm.
In my heart, I was still hoping and praying for G to wake up.
The doctor came in, turned on the ultrasound machine. I saw her. Her heart wasn’t beating anymore. It was the loudest silence I’ve ever heard. The doctor turned around and said, “I’m sorry. There is no fetal activity. There is no heartbeat.”
I just remember sobbing so loud. Rob just collapsed on top of me. I cried until I didn’t have any tears left.
The doctor was kind. He sat with us. He reassured me this wasn’t my fault. But how was I supposed to believe that. My body gave her life and it was my body that housed her when she died.
We had to decide if I would be induced that night or come back the next day.
This was the first of many agonizing decisions that we had to make.
We decided to go home. I slept for maybe an hour that night. But as soon as I opened my eyes, I started to cry again. In the morning, Robs parents were there. They got the boys ready and off to school. I was talking to my midwife on the phone. She said it was up to us to decide when we wanted to come in. I am the most indecisive person on the planet, and I just wanted everyone to tell me what to do. But no one would. We had to decide. I knew we had to do it that day, but we needed to tell our boys first.
When the boys got home from school that day, one of the first things Dallas asked is “Mom, is Georgia going to be here on Saturday?”. I wanted to die. I knew I was about to break his heart too.
Rob and I took the boys into our room. We all sat on the bed, and we told them their baby sister is in heaven with Jesus. We told them her heart stopped. Dallas had tears streaming down his face, but he looked tough and confused. Coleman just laid on the bed emotionless. We had to explain to them that we didn’t know why this happened. I hated every second of that.
A little before 6:00 that night, we were on our way to the hospital. We got checked in and settled into my room. That’s when it hit me. I would have to go through hours of painful labor, to bring my dead daughter into this world.
My best friend since 8th grade is a social worker in the NICU at that Hospital. She was off work but came back to the hospital to sit with us. She brought snacks and tissues and got me anything I needed from the nurses. I could not have made it through this experience without Cindy. She is incredible at her job as a social worker and friend.
Around 11:00 the next day, labor really started kicking in. I was dilating quickly. I knew it was close. I delivered Georgia at 12:55 pm on December 2nd. She was beautiful. She was pink and perfect. All 8lbs5oz of her. I remember all I could say was “I wanted you so bad” over and over again. I don’t know why that is what I needed her to know, but I did. But I was also screaming it at God. I wanted her so much. Why can’t I have her now?
I hoped and prayed once she was here there would be an answer for WHY this happened. What went wrong. But the doctor didn’t see anything wrong with her.
Cindy was the first person to meet Georgia. She just came to check on me, not realizing that I had her already. I’m so thankful she was there. I got to show off my sweet girl.
That day and the next were followed by family and close friends coming to the hospital to meet Georgia Rae. I’m so thankful for Caring Cradle to allow us more time with her. My boys got to meet their sister. Our mothers met their granddaughter. My sister and best friend Shelby was with me the whole next day. One by one, my closest friends came in to meet G and love on us. I like to think we had a Girls Day. One I always dreamed I would have with my friends and my daughter. We all got to take in every inch of her. To memorize her face, her hands and her perfect little nose.
Saturday morning, we prepared to leave the hospital. Robert called the funeral home; they would come after we left. Cindy came to the hospital to stay with Georgia. She was never alone.
We left the hospital with so many gifts, but no baby.
The rest of the days seemed like a blur. So many decisions made in a short amount of time. We were at the funeral home the next day and picking out a grave plot. The next thing I know, we were dressed up at the funeral home, with our sweet daughter in the tiniest coffin while many friends and family came to support us and honor Georgia’s short life.
Our pastor spoke beautifully about our family and our daughter’s life. Rob prepared a few words, and I just couldn’t believe it. How could he even form coherent sentences? But what he said was beautiful. He made his daughter proud. I know it.
I have never experienced pain like this before, but I’ve also never felt so much love and support. So many people came together to love on us, to pray for us, to hold us up when we couldn’t stand.
I was mad at God. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was. I was so hurt and just not ready to talk to him. But other people prayed FOR me. We survived. We are stronger. But we are not the same. We will never be the same again. We will always have a Georgia shaped hole in our hearts.
“For He wounds, but he also binds up. He injures, but his hands also heal”
