Praise over Anxiety

A few weeks ago, my pastor posted a picture of me and my husband during worship at church. Someone snapped a picture of us, arms raised in worship. He captioned it with this:

“This is so inspiring…watching you worship through everything is true leadership!

Rob & Sarah, you are my heroes.”

I remember seeing his post that evening and so many others commenting on our strength and how in awe they are of us. That we can still worship with broken hearts. But what they didn’t see was how I entered the building that morning.

I woke up that Sunday incredibly anxious. I wasn’t exactly sure why and that always makes me more anxious. When I can’t understand the root of my anxiety I panic. If I don’t know what causing it then I can’t fix it. I spent all morning in my head, wrestling with this anxiety.

Was it because we had family coming over later today to celebrate my sons birthday? Was I anxious thinking about another milestone that Georgia won’t be present for? Knowing I’ll be faking a smile and holding back tears through singing “Happy Birthday” and watching my son open presents?

I couldn’t figure it out and I felt out of control. I walked the boys into the church while Rob parked the truck. Someone smiled at me and said hello. And I could feel my body getting hot. The tears were welling up in my eyes.

“Why are you freaking out? Get it together!”

I dropped the boys at kids church and headed in. More smiles, hugs from friends. I kept looking at the door hoping I could just bolt. Run and keep running until I couldn’t.

But I didn’t. I can’t run anyway, so I stayed. I sat in my discomfort. I held the tears back. I remember looking at my sister-in-law, Caitlin, and telling her I felt very anxious, but I didn’t know why. I just need to say it out loud.

As worship began, I just sang. I just worshipped. I just told God how much I loved him. Because sometimes I just don’t know what else to say. As soon as church was over Caitlin asked me how I was feeling, and I realized I wasn’t anxious anymore. I didn’t think too much of it in the moment because we were soon off to host a birthday party. Anxiety started to creep back in. Later that day, our younger son spiked a fever. Anxiety again.

That evening as I sat comforting my sick son, I saw the post from my Pastor. The picture of me and my husband worshipping. I thought back to that moment. As the worship team sang, I felt peace.

“When You walk into the room everything changes. Darkness starts to tremble at the light that You bring”

Just like the song says, everything changes when we let God into our problems. Peace takes over. But why isn’t that my first instinct? I’m a worship leader for crying out loud. I know this to my core. Everything in me is yearning to be in God’s presence, but I’m too focused on my anxiety. Trying to sort it out. The root of my anxiety doesn’t matter when I’m rooted in God’s word. When I’m allowing His presence to light up the darkness around me.

We don’t need all the answers. We just need to worship our God. Today, my pastor said, “Praise elevates my perspective, it doesn’t eliminate my problem”. That night as anxiety started to creep back in, I decided I was going to praise the anxiety away. It served no purpose in my life.

I went to take a shower and I played worship music. And I had a chat with God. You see, after losing Georgia, I had a hard time talking with God. I knew He never left my side, I just wasn’t quite ready to talk with Him, because I don’t think I would have a lot of nice things to say. I know He could have handled anything I wanted to dish out, but I chose silence. And He respected that. But that night I let Him know how I felt. I let Him know that I didn’t want to make any decisions anymore. I wanted Him to tell me what the next step is- because I’m exhausted. I wanted that audible voice of the Lord so many experience. I wanted to know with 100% certainty that this was an answer from the Lord. And do you know what He did? He answered. In the most gentle, loving way.

God knows I feel closest to him through music. I always have. So he played a song I had never heard before. It’s called, “The Fathers Song” by Upperroom. It’s written like a lover letter from God to us. And it was everything I needed to hear.

I need to shift my focus from my problem, from my pain to praise. Praise allows you to face a problem without bitterness, without anger, but with grace. I can grieve my daughter and still praise my God. There are so many unknowns in my life right now, but my God has the best laid plans. I will get NOWHERE by focusing on my problem, but by choosing to spend time at the feet of Jesus, I’ll live in peace.

If you need peace today, I encourage you to go to Him. Let him quiet the racing thoughts. Let Him calm the storm in your life.