Our Perfect Dream
I decided since Georgia was our last baby, we were going all out. We had our pastors daughter create a video announcing that we were expecting a baby girl. I remember the day she sent us the final edited video. We were in Tennessee on vacation with my family. I was in the Kroger parking lot, bawling. It was perfect. We were so happy. I honestly felt like I was in a dream world. Living the most perfect dream. I had my 3 guys. And now, a surprise little girl. A daughter. I never expected. It was perfect.
I think one of the main reasons that her pregnancy was so special to me is because this is the first time I was pregnant with a sober husband. Don’t get me wrong, Rob has always been there for me but this time around, I felt like he was fully present. He was over a year sober when we found out we were pregnant. It felt like perfect timing. Our marriage was so much stronger, our faith unshakeable, our finances were better than ever and we were ready for this. It seemed like she was our reward.
I looked at this picture today. It was from that perfect day. It tore my heart out. We were so incredibly happy. The 5 of us. So eager to meet our sweet girl. I never imagined that almost a year later, this is where we would be. This isn’t a dream. It’s a nightmare.
Picture by Emma Warren
I want to go back to that day. I want to relive that perfect dream. I want so badly to be the person I was then. Before I ever heard the words “I’m sorry. There is no heartbeat”. Before I delivered a lifeless baby. Before I held death in my arms. Before I became a mother who buried her child. I want to feel utter joy without the sting of grief. I don’t want to hesitate being in a group of people for fear they might say something that pours salt in the wound. I just want to go back.
But I can’t.
I’ve got to go through it. And I don’t want to.
Our family is always missing one. However, we do have these pictures. I have video of me finding out I was pregnant. I recorded us telling our boys that I had a baby in my belly. I have our reaction finding out that we were having a girl. So many pictures of the boys kissing my belly. God knew we weren’t going to have her for long, so he gently nudged me to document all the memories while I could.
That’s just how God works. I hate that we don’t get to create new memories with her, but I have to remain grateful for every moment she was with us.
She is still our reward.
Photo by Emma Warren @_emmawarrenphotofilm
